


Hate Me

by boltschick2612



Series: When The Madness Stops... [3]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: M/M, Tampa Bay Lightning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-13
Updated: 2013-01-13
Packaged: 2017-11-25 09:37:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/637520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boltschick2612/pseuds/boltschick2612
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Don't try and help me, I'll just pull you under.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hate Me

September 17th, 2011

Teddy looked out amongst the sea of overwhelmingly unfamiliar faces. It was the first day of the Lightning's Training Camp for the upcoming season, and all in all, there were about 60 players attending, most of which Teddy had yet to meet. The players there came from all different levels of play, from the newly drafted to the veteran NHL'er. All 60 men were currently huddled around Head Coach Guy Boucher on the ice, intently listening to his carefully crafted speech. In a way, Teddy was glad that there were so many other players there, because it made his chances of coming face to face with Nate Thompson considerably less. He hadn't seen or heard from Nate since the morning that his world had fallen apart by finding out that not only had Nate cheated on him with his ex-girlfriend, but had gotten her pregnant also. After confronting Nate that morning, Teddy had shuffled to the downstairs kitchen of his parent's house where they were staying, his last words to Nate being "I expect you to be gone when I come back up from breakfast." Teddy numbly ate his breakfast of toast and orange juice while trying to concoct something to tell his parents in order to explain Nate's absence. He finally settled for the lame old standby of "family emergency", and his parents never questioned it. Teddy hated lying to them, and he almost couldn't believe that he was helping cover up for Nate after what he had done. 

Teddy tried to push all memories of that morning aside as he realized that he should probably be listening to what his coach had to say. It wouldn't look good for him to behave as if his effort wasn't necessary simply because he was already an established member of the team. That attitude had served to get him benched a couple times in the past, and he didn't really care to spend any more time watching games from the press box. Although, the more Teddy thought about it, the more he realized that he wasn't entirely convinced that it wouldn't be preferable to being on the ice with Nate. As the coach's words washed over him, flowing into his ears but not really connecting with his brain, Teddy couldn't think of anything else other than the fact that he couldn't wait for the day to be over so he could get as far away from Nate as possible. Boucher ended his speech and sent the guys scrambling back onto the ice, and the last thought that creeped into Teddy's mind before he switched into "game mode" was that he didn't know how he was going to play alongside Nate if he couldn't even stand to look at him.

 

                                                                                                       -X-

 

Teddy stood in front of his stall in the locker room later that day, and was surprised that he had managed to make it through a whole day of training camp without falling apart or hip checking Nate into the boards. There were times when he zoned out, his vision hazed and he felt as if he were skating through the ice instead of on it, but he made it through. He figured that as time wore on and the hurt dulled some, he would eventually be able to be in the same place as Nate without having some sort of surreal out of body experience. He also knew he didn't have the luxury of time. The regular season was set to start in less than a month, and him and Nate were bound to be on the same line at times. It didn't help matters much that all of this didn't seem to be affecting Nate at all. The times during camp when Teddy had been able to look in his direction, because there was no way he could look him in the eyes, Nate simply averted his gaze down onto the pure white ice. He just pretended as if Teddy didn't exist, and to Teddy, that was worse than showing no remorse at all. Teddy tossed his gloves into his stall with a heavy sigh and turned to come face to face with one of the unfamiliar faces that he saw in the crowd of players on the ice earlier that afternoon. He searched his memory for a name to go with the face.

"Matt Gilroy...from the Rangers, right?" Teddy asked while offering a slight smile. The man standing in front of him had eyes the color of the ocean, hair the color of soft sand, and Teddy felt his heart flutter ever so slightly. Teddy couldn't help but think of the last time someone had caused his heart to pound with just their mere presence, and he also couldn't help but remember the heartbreak that same person had caused him.

"Yeah. Purcell, right?" Matt asked while throwing his stuff into the stall next to Teddy's. Teddy shook his head in the affirmative and turned his attention back towards his own stall. Matt continued stowing away his equipment and changing out of his hockey gear, casting sideways glances in Teddy's directions every few seconds as if he had something he wanted to say. Teddy could sense Matt watching him and feel his hesitation to speak, and it made him slightly uncomfortable. Just as Teddy was about to turn and leave, Matt got the courage to break the silence.

"Can I ask you something?" Matt inquired while leaning in to get closer to Teddy, even lowering his voice slightly. Teddy's apprehension grew, he had no idea what could be such a secret that this near stranger had to whisper.

"Um...sure." Teddy pulled back slightly and briefly let this mind run through the full list of possible questions that Matt could be planning on asking him. What he actually asked him was no where on that list, not even close.

"What's his deal?" Matt asked while tilting his head in the direction of Nate, who was changing on the opposite side of the room.

"Wha-...What do you mean?" Teddy stammered, totally shell shocked. Had someone really been observant enough to notice the tension between him and Nate on the ice? That couldn't be it...could it?

"You know...would I be wasting my time?" Matt says, leaning towards Teddy and whispering in that same super secretive manner as before. Realization dawns upon Teddy, and he searches his mind for things to say.

"Yeah, don't waste your time. Got a girlfriend, baby on the way...the whole nine."

Matt throws the last of his gear in the stall and lets out a laugh, shaking his head. "Too bad."

A few more minutes pass in awkward silence, Teddy was trying to get over the shock of the whole conversation that had just occurred between Matt and himself. Teddy remembered that he was actually about to leave before Matt had stopped him, and he grabbed his things and started to head towards the exit. He was stopped by a hand on his shoulder, and he spun around to see Matt smiling at him. "You want to go out for a drink sometime?"

"Yeah, a bunch of us are actually going out later tonight. If you give me your number, I'll let you know where as soon as we decide." Teddy wasn't sure how comfortable Matt would be giving away his phone number, but Teddy knew that he wasn't about to give away his. He was done giving things away, even if it was something as simple as his phone number, or as complicated as his heart.

"I appreciate the invitation, but that's not what I meant." Matt laughed and casually slung his bag over his shoulder, locking his intense blue eyes with Teddy's and waiting for him to give his reply.

Matt had been leaving Teddy shocked and surprised since the second they met, and now was not any different. "Were you...just...?"

Matt had a look on his face that screamed "Yes, I was just hitting on you...what of it?".

Teddy grabbed his gear and slung the bag over his shoulder, mirroring Matt's actions. He then offered Matt a small smile before answering and brushing past him on his way out the door.

"I don't get involved with team mates."

 

                                                                                                  -X-

   
The crowd at The Rack was unusually sparse for a Saturday night, there was hardly anyone there, save for the large group of Lightning players that were occupying the stools by the bar. Matt had managed to find the bar alright, despite not having the chance to give Teddy his phone number. He swung open the door and walked into greetings of "Newbie!" being shouted from his new team mates. As he made his way to where the group was, he noticed Teddy standing off to the side of the crowd, seemingly getting a drink from the end of the bar. Matt couldn't help but notice that Teddy was staring down at the bar, the misery written all over his face. Ryan Malone approached Matt and jovially swung his arm around his shoulders, pulling Matt towards him a little as he did. "Welcome to our madness, Newb. What are you having? I'm buying."

"Um...Bud Light, I guess. Thanks." Matt really wasn't planning on drinking much, he never really was much of a drinker anyway, but doing so during the week that they were in training camp seemed like a very bad idea. Apparently, Malone didn't share that opinion.

"Alright, Bud Light for the pussy," Malone said before walking away to the end of the bar where Teddy was still standing, drink in hand. Matt had noticed that Teddy had received his drink a few minutes ago, and he wondered what Teddy was doing still separating himself from the rest of his friends. As he was intently watching Teddy, trying to figure him out, a voice broke through his thoughts.

"Who said you could come anyway, Newb?"

Matt looked up to the direction of the voice to see Steve Downie perched on a bar stool, laughing, his arm around the shoulders of a blonde man that anyone who hasn't been living under a rock knew as Steven Stamkos. When Matt realized that Downie was joking with him, he let out a nervous laugh. His gaze flicked back to Teddy at the end of the bar, now joined by Malone, and Teddy's eyes raised to meet his before shooting back down to stare at the dirty bar. Matt wasn't sure why, but he felt it probably wasn't a good idea to identify Teddy as the one who invited him.

"Um...Hedman?"

The statement came out sounded more like a question than Matt had intended, but he figured the guys would just chalk it up to Matt trying to remember a new team mate's name, and not to him trying to come up with a little white lie.

"Yeah, right. His momma would never let him out if his crib long enough to go anywhere," Downie joked, causing everyone within earshot, including Matt, to laugh.

"He's so young he still has formula on his breath and baby powder on his ass," Malone chimed in as he walked up to Matt and handed him the beer that he had just gotten from the far end of the bar. Matt noticed that the beer wasn't the only thing that Malone brought back, he was walking with his arm around Teddy's shoulders and smiling. "Look who I found, guys."

"Wow, way to make me feel old and unaccomplished," Matt joked, returning the topic of conversation to the team's young Swedish defenseman, Victor Hedman. Matt was only a few years away from thirty, and in his mind, he had yet to fulfill the hype that had surrounded him when he was playing defense in college.

Teddy had managed to slither out from under Malone's arm and take a seat at the bar next to Downie and Stamkos. Matt could see his demeanor starting to soften some, and he was actually starting to look like he was enjoying himself. Matt turned his attention back to Malone, who was still standing in front of him.

"If you ever want to feel old and worthless, just look at this guy over here..." Malone said while gesturing in the direction of Stamkos. "Just barely twenty one, and already far better than any of us will ever be!"

Matt looked towards the blonde superstar to see him turn a few shades of red and look down at the floor. Matt could almost swear that any minute the young man was going to kick at the floor and mumble "Aw, shucks...weren't nothing." Downie removed his arm from around Stamkos' shoulder and used his free hand to extend his middle finger towards Malone before shouting to him.

"Speak for yourself, Bugs. I plan on breaking sixty this year!'

Malone laughed and turned towards Downie. "Sixty what, Downs? Game misconducts?"

Matt's attention shifted from the ongoing banter between Downie and Malone to the various bodies that were occupying the bar. He had recognized Eric Brewer in the far corner talking to Brett Clark and Adam Hall, and Ryan Malone had shifted down two spots to join Downie, Stamkos and Purcell. Matt had just started to consider calling it a night when the door to the bar swung open and a man that Matt recognized as Dwayne Roloson walked in.

"Isn't it a little late for you to be out, Roli? I know your cataracts make it hard to drive at night," Malone said from his place at the bar, and Roloson never even glanced in his direction, just gave him a slight shove as he passed him on his way to the spot at the end of the bar that Teddy had previously been in. Everyone knew that Roloson hated jokes about his age, but they still made them none the less, especially when there was alcohol involved.

"You didn't really come out with us just so you could sit alone, did you?" Teddy inquired of Roloson, but he gave no reply. Matt was just starting to think of how goalies were infamously quirky when someone put a voice to the thoughts that were playing in his mind.

"Everyone knows goalies are weird."

Matt's head snapped to look behind him, in the direction of the front door, to see who had uttered the words. It was the man from this afternoon, the one that Teddy had informed him not to waste his time on. Matt could only remember his first name...Nate. He instantly recognized the other man that had walked in with Nate as Bruno Gervais, they had played many games against each other when Matt was with the Rangers and Bruno was with the Islanders. Nate slid into the rest of the crowd, greeting his friends and introducing Bruno to his new team mates that had not meet him yet. Matt's gaze returned to the spot where Teddy had been standing, only to find him gone. Matt's friends and boyfriends had been known to call him oblivious on occasion, but he could tell that there was tension between Teddy and Nate, just by Teddy's reaction this afternoon and his disappearance as soon as Nate walked in the door. It was almost as if....

"So, does King Henrik really use diamond dust to make his masks sparkle? Does he really have a servant carry around his gold plated goalie sticks?" Malone asked while poking Matt gently in the ribs, breaking through his thoughts. Matt narrowed his eyes, searching Malone's face for any indication that he was joking, only to find it completely deadpan. After a few seconds, Malone broke and started laughing, sending Matt into a fit of laughter himself.

"Hey, at least he doesn't get the senior citizen's discount at the early bird special," Matt said, shooting his eyes towards Roloson at the end of the bar and praying that the goalie had a sense of humor.

"Watch it, new kid. You haven't earned that privilege yet," Roloson deadpans and just as Matt was about to break into a verbose apology, the older man started laughing.

Matt's eyes shoot to the corner of the room to see Teddy, whom he thought had left, sitting at a single table with a few empty beer bottles littering the table in front of him. After scanning the room for any signs that he was being watched, Matt slinks over to the table where Teddy appeared to be wallowing in self pity. Teddy is looking down at the table, same as he had been when he was seated at the bar, and doesn't notice Matt or the fact that he was standing in front of him until Matt says something to grab his attention.

"I'm bored. Want a ride home?"

Teddy looks up at Matt with surprise filling his eyes, and Matt could see Teddy's eyes brighten and the sadness fade, if only for a second. The brightness started to fade and the sadness started to creep in again as Teddy's eyes become fixated upon the table top once more.

"Matt...I told you I don't wanna get involved..."

Matt reached out and started playing with the empty beer bottles on the table, picking one up and tapping it against another. "I'm asking as a friend, nothing more. I drop you off at your place, I leave. You go inside and go to bed or pass out in the hallway, whatever. You shouldn't be driving."

As Teddy scanned the room, avoiding eye contact with Matt, he realized just how much his head was pounding and his stomach churning. He stood up, and all the alcohol he had consumed during the night went straight to his head causing the room and everything in it to spin.

"Yeah, I guess you're right. Let's go," Teddy slurred as he wearily walked towards the door, Matt trailing behind him.

 

                                                                                                -X- 

  
Matt glanced over at Teddy, sound asleep in his passenger seat, and he was a little worried as to how he was going to wake Teddy up once they got to his place. He was extremely thankful that Teddy had given him the address to his house to punch into the GPS before passing out, or else Matt probably would have been driving aimlessly around Tampa all night. He thought he heard snoring coming from his passenger, and he was about to reach over and turn the radio up when the soft snoring turned into mumbled words. Matt suddenly felt awkward, like he was infringing on Teddy's privacy, when the words started sounding suspiciously like names. Christin?

Matt knew he shouldn't be listening, and he finally reached over and turned the volume up on the radio, but not in enough time to stop himself from hearing Nate's name escape from Teddy's lips. The feeling of guilt that was starting to creep into his brain made Matt so distracted that he almost drove past Teddy's house.

He parked in front of Teddy's house and spoke Teddy's name to try and wake him, to no avail. Matt had fully intended on pulling into Teddy's driveway, letting him out, and driving away, but he soon realized that it wasn't going to be that easy. Just as Matt was about to put his hand on Teddy's shoulder, his eyes fluttered open and he groggily looked around.

"Oh, I'm home?"

Teddy reached his hands far above his head and stretched, banishing the sleep from his brain, then reached for the door handle and swung open the car door. He crawled out of the car and slowly walked around to the open driver side window, resting his forearm on the ledge.

"Thanks Matt. You really are a good friend."

Matt sat in his car and waited until Teddy had disappeared into his house before pulling away.

 

  
October 6th, 2011

Teddy walked down the hall towards his hotel room slicked with sweat, lungs burning and legs weak. The team had arrived in North Carolina the day before their season opening game against the Hurricanes, and Teddy had been using the extra free time to take a run and clear his mind while enjoying the sights of Downtown Raleigh. Teddy was right in his assumption that time would help dull the hurt caused by someone he thought he could trust with his life, but shards of pain still remained. Sometimes it encompassed him so much, that Teddy would suddenly feel trapped and he had to get outdoors. Tonight was one of those nights.

The run had made him feel like a new man, almost completely healed, and he was looking forward to stepping under the cleansing spray of the shower before collapsing into the soft hotel bed. In his mind, Teddy was already in the bed, sound asleep. He didn't hear the foot steps trailing behind him, he didn't hear his name being called out in an attempt to gain his attention, and he almost didn't feel the hand until it was clamping down on his shoulder. Teddy spun around to come face to face with the hurt that he had tried so desperately to forget. As he stood there inches away from Nate , all the feelings that he had fought so hard to banish came rushing back upon him, breaking the serenity. There was something else mixed with the hurt, something that Teddy was shocked to be feeling. He missed Nate.

"Teddy, please....talk to me", Nate pleaded with a look in his eyes that almost broke Teddy's heart. Nate looked utterly lost and distraught, and Teddy had to force himself to remember why he and Nate weren't together anymore. If he didn't, he knew he could easily fall back into what they had before, as if nothing had ever changed.

"Go worry about your baby, Nate. There's nothing here for you."

Nate broke his gaze and turned his eyes towards the floor, mumbling something that Teddy almost didn't hear. "There is no baby."

 Teddy narrowed his eyes at Nate, bile raising in his throat. "You disgust me. I can't believe you..."

"No!", Nate shouted, his eyes snapping back up to meet Teddy's. "It's not like that...she never was....it was a false alarm". Nate's eyes slowly drifted back to the floor.

"That doesn't change the fact that you cheated on me."

Nate reached out and slowly trailed his fingers down Teddy's arms. "Please, I'll do anything to show you how sorry I am...anything to make this up to you."

Nate's touch sent electricity coursing through Teddy, and he had to close his eyes and grit his teeth to keep from falling right back into the familiar place where Nate's touch made him weak in the knees to the point where he would do anything to feel it again. Teddy inhaled deep, steeling himself, searching for all the inner strength that disappeared the moment he saw Nate's face.

"Look, Nate...when we're on the ice, I'll stand up for you, same as I would with any of the other guys...but it ends there. We end there. You said you would do anything? Then leave me the hell alone."

Teddy stormed towards his hotel room, leaving Nate at a loss for words.

 

                                                                                           -X-

  
Any sense of empowerment that Teddy felt immediately vanished as soon as the hotel room door closed behind him, trapping him alone in his hotel room. He holds his breath for a few seconds, waiting to be sure that his roommate, Matt, wasn't in the room. As soon as he was satisfied that he was alone, Teddy slowly exhaled and slid down the door, coming to rest on the floor with his knees tucked under his chin. All of his restraint and composure dissolved and Teddy came completely unraveled, choking out harsh sobs. He suddenly felt exposed and vulnerable, and the urge to burrow under the safety of the soft blankets on the bed overtook him. He leaped up from his spot of the floor, rushing towards the bed. In his haste to retreat to the safety of the bed, Teddy's foot caught on the carpet, causing him to lunge forward, catching his arm on the corner of the bed frame and opening a gash as he fell to the floor.

Teddy came to rest on all fours on the rough carpet, sending a jolt through his body. He crawled to the space in between Matt's bed and his, wedging himself into the empty valley. All of his will to move, to get onto the bed as he had originally intended, had disappeared as soon as Teddy had hit the floor and there was something about being in the narrow space between the beds that he found comforting. When Teddy could calm his mind long enough to tear his thoughts away from Nate and their encounter just moments earlier, he found that he was feeling physically drained and sore, as if he had just been through a battle. In a way, he guessed he had. A battle between what he knew he should do and what he wanted to do. A battle of closing Nate out of his life forever verses pulling him close and never letting go.

The door to the hotel room swung open, and Teddy didn't know why, but he froze. He knew it was just Matt returning from wherever he had been, but Teddy guessed that maybe it was because he knew that he didn't want Matt to have any part of this. He didn't want Matt to see him like this and see exactly what was going on. Teddy had done such a good job of hiding his own personal hell from Matt in just the short time that they had been team mates, and he didn't want to give it all away now.

Matt shuffled across the carpet, unaware of Teddy's presence, and threw his hotel key card on the nightstand by his bed. He kicked off his shoes and simultaneously grabbed the hem of his shirt, and he was just about to lift his shirt over his head, thinking he was alone. Teddy knew he had to say something to let Matt know he was there, because while it was true that all the guys on the team had seen each other shirtless and then some in the locker room, that was different. Teddy knew that for him to let Matt continue to undress while he hid went against every sense of propriety and everything he was.

"This is a horrible place to try and build a pillow fort..."

Matt jumped and spun around at Teddy's voice. "Jesus, Teddy. What are you doing down there?"

The weakly formed smile on Teddy's face couldn't distract Matt's eyes from his tear streaked cheeks. Matt's concern grows as he walks around the front of his bed and crawls onto the floor to position himself in the same small space as Teddy, his back against his own bed, looking straight into Teddy's bloodshot eyes.

"What's going on?"

Teddy looks down at the floor, he didn't think he could bring himself to look Matt in the eyes. He loses all inclination to speak, and instead takes to picking at the hotel room carpet, pulling at the strands of berber. He really didn't want Matt to see see this side of him, and he especially didn't want Matt to feel like he always had to rescue him. First Matt had to drive him home when his emotions had caused him to seek comfort in numerous bottles of beer....and now this. Teddy wiped at his cheeks and looked up, offering Matt another weak smile. "I'm sorry you have to see me like this."

"Please, you forget I had Torts as a coach, so I've seen plenty of guys cry. He made Brian Boyle cry once. It wasn't pretty."

Teddy lets out a small chuckle before letting his eyes fall to the carpet again. "You made that up," he mumbled.

"Ok, maybe. But whatever it is, you can tell me."

Those words rang through Teddy's mind. It wasn't all that long ago that he was saying something similar to Nate in a hotel room much like this. Nate was scared then, just like Teddy was now. That was the night that Nate had confessed to Teddy that he loved him.

"I don't want to talk about it. It's nothing you need to be concerned about."

"I know that I'm not as close to you as the other guys, but I know something is going on with you. That concerns me, wither you want it to or not."

Teddy reaches up and wearily runs his hand through his hair, and Matt catches sight of the ugly gash spanning the length of his arm.

"Teddy, wha-? Did he do this?"

Matt could feel his anger rising to the surface as he grabbed Teddy's wrist and brought it closer to his face, inspecting the injury that Teddy wasn't even aware he had.

"I tripped earlier, must have scraped it on the edge of the bed," Teddy answered absentmindedly, going over Matt's statement in his mind. Teddy knew exactly who the "he" was that Matt was referring to, but what he didn't know was how Matt could have any insight into something that he had gone to great lengths to hide from the world. Matt must have known that Teddy would be shocked at his words.

"I'm not blind, Teds. Anyone can see the rift between you and Nate."

Teddy pulled his wrist from Matt's grip and looked at the floor, mumbling. "Don't call me that..."

Matt got up from the floor and Teddy's eyes followed him, unsure if what he said had angered him. Matt disappeared into the bathroom, only to reemerge a few moments later with a couple plastic bottles and some gauze in his hands. He sat back down in front of Teddy, and set everything on the floor. He handed the brown bottle, hydrogen peroxide, to Teddy. "Use this on your pants. It'll get the blood out."

Teddy was just about to ask Matt what he was talking about, until he glanced down to see his pants stained with blood. He must have brushed his arm against his pants without even realizing it. Teddy watched Matt as he then grabbed the white bottle, rubbing alcohol, and poured it's contents onto a few of the gauze pads.

"Ready?", Matt asked, holding up the alcohol soaked fabric. Teddy sheepishly shook his head and held his arm out to Matt, bracing himself for the familiar sting. As Matt held the gauze to Teddy's wound, he wasn't looking at Teddy, but rather looking at the carpet with guilt burning in his chest. "Who's Cristin?"

Teddy's eyes fixed on Matt, begging for an explanation.

"The night I gave you a ride home from the bar...you said her name in your sleep...Nate's too."

Teddy closed his eyes to fight back the tears. As hard as he had fought to keep Matt from getting into his head, his own body had betrayed him when he was at his most vulnerable.  A few minutes of silence passed before Teddy opened his eyes and looked into Matt's, and Teddy could swear that Matt's eyes were more of an intense blue now than they were before he closed his eyes.

"Do you know what the first thing they tell you NOT to do to someone who's drowning is, Matt? They tell you not to get close to them, not to try and hold them. Do you know why?"

Matt says nothing, just stares at Teddy with his lips slightly parted, the need to say something dying on his tongue.

"It's because that person will panic. They'll grab onto you and pull you down with them", Teddy says, hurt burning in his eyes. "Don't try and help me. I'll just drag you under." 

Matt can remain silent no longer. "What if I'm trying to throw you a lifeline?"


End file.
